Shopping Won't Make You Happy - This Will

At the age of six my husband had saved enough money to purchase something he'd wanted for a long time - a kid's football helmet he'd seen at a local store. His mother drove him to the store, he triumphantly counted out his money to make the purchase, and then he carried his prize back to the car.

Cost in today's dollars, according to US Bureau of Labor Statistics inflation calculator, would be $140.00

As soon as he got into the car, he realized he'd made a huge mistake. He'd just spent a large chunk of his saved money on something that didn't make him happy after all. It didn't turn him magically into a football player - it just made him feel empty. 

How often do we do the same thing when we shop for clothing? Ah, we say, I'm finally going to get the outfit that will prove to everyone that I've "made it", that I'm someone to be reckoned with, that I'm beautiful. This outfit will let me catch that cute guy's eye, it will let me hang with the "in" crowd, it will make me happy and fulfilled. 

And how often do we wear a new outfit only to feel disappointed and empty? It didn't do any of the things we'd hoped it would do; it didn't live up to its (often heavily hyped) promise, and all we have left is a lighter pocketbook and one more outfit we didn't really need and that no one even noticed.

What's the answer?

1. Give up hope that shopping will ever make you happy.

You will never find "outfit charming;" clothes in and of themselves will do nothing to make you a different person or provide fulfillment. And looking trendy will just make you look outdated that much sooner. 

A side benefit of shopping for used clothing is that you'll rarely be seduced by trendy clothing - it's generally hard to find at thrift stores until it's out of date.

2. Think of yourself as a character you need to costume.

Rather than thinking that clothes will somehow change or improve you, think about the roles you play for which you need a "costume." Do you meet with clients and have a legitimate need to dress up in heels and suits? Do you wear a uniform for work (scrubs, for example), but have a (soon-to-be) busy social life where you can be a little more expressive in what you wear? We're happy to visit our local Goodwill for Halloween costumes. What about for our work or our social costumes?

3. Let go of the shopping "experience." 

Part of the appeal of shopping for clothing, particularly at boutiques, is the experience. A friendly associate prepares a sumptuously-appointed, well-lit dressing room for you, retrieves different sizes of the same item and provides generous compliments about how great a particular item looks on you. She'll also offer fashion tips and point out shoes that would really spiff up the outfit you're trying on. We feel pampered and cared for--and obligated to make a purchase.

What WILL Make Us Happy?

If shopping is the great "bait and switch," then what IS the real deal? I have a friend who teaches happiness classes to people in the military. He uses the work done by Jonathan Haidt, who wrote The Happiness Hypothesis (available at your local or online library), to help people understand and put into practice the five steps to a happier life. I recommend that you visit this link (or read Haidt's entire book) for more detail on his five steps, but Haidt boils them down to this:

1. Diagnose your happiness "set point." How happy you are naturally is dictated in large part by heredity, but it can be improved. (He offers an online tool you can use for this step.)
2. Improve your "mental hygiene." This isn't about positive thinking, but about recognizing the lies in our self-talk. Haidt also includes exercise and good nutrition in this step.
3. Improve your relations. Good relationships with family, spouse and friends are truly essential to happiness. Working to repair a bad relationship is always within your power.
4. Improve your work. Are you just laying bricks, or are you building a great cathedral? Reframe your work as something that makes an important contribution to the world.
5. Improve your connection to something beyond yourself. Our culture encourages "rugged individualism," but we're happier when we're connected to others within an institution or organization that has a noble purpose. Consider volunteering regularly with a local arts organization, getting involved with your church or finding other ways to contribute to a cause you believe in.

Note how none of the steps mentions stuff. Yes, we need a certain minimum of "stuff" to move beyond survival mode; after that, it does little to affect our long term happiness. Instead, note how three of Haidt's five steps requires other people.

Happiness may be an inside job, but it absolutely requires fellow travelers on the journey.